On loving and losing

This past week has been a week that I will never forget.

I have not known what to do with myself but write. The only thing I can do now is to stop and reflect and remember.

On Thursday, I received a call that shook my life and left me heartbroken.

The world lost Tom a week ago today.

We lost someone who was full of laughter, who was ready and willing to accept any challenge, and who was kind beyond every expectation. He gave freely and loved others well.

He has long been a bright star in my sky and I am forever grateful to have known him. We first met in New Zealand, traveled parts of Nepal together, and in May, he traveled to NC to see and experience the world I live in here.

The only thing I have been able to take heart in in these hard times is knowing this–

I knowing me today, you know Tom. You know the person who helped shape me into the person I am today.

I have memories and stories that will continue to live and be shared forever. And, they are more precious now than ever.

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”- Anne Lamott

Going on a road trip

Been thinking a lot about freedom these days. It seems like during different seasons in life there are always themes that drive you // make you think.

This season its freedom.

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.” – Jim Morrison

I’m off to Asheville for the weekend and so excited to go and be. I’m excited to eat good food and get to know a certain few people even better.

Travel, no matter the distance always excites me and energizes me.

This weekend won’t be quite as green and colorful as this photo from the Kathmandu Valley, but I’m ready to see something different.

Scars

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. -Harry Crews

Today is the first day in a very long time where I feel back to myself. My morning started off with little sleep, an avocado, a yoga class, a seemingly endless but beautiful meal, meditation in a quiet space, and some poetry. It’s nice to have a new start, new perspective, and new found health.

Excited for this weekend and for discovering new and old things each and everyday (*like old photos of strange days in quiet places).

Daily frustrations

Simple, stupid frustrations seem so much harder today than they should.

Today is weird and the weather is contributing a lot to this. I get a new Tornado warning message every few minutes and it’s raining so hard that the world around me is flooding. I like it. I’ve spent a good deal of this afternoon writing and it turns out I forgot how to. I really like new words and reading until my head hurts these days, but I cannot write. I forgot how to write creatively, how to write an email, and how to write a proposal.

I also realized today that I don’t really want to be here. It’s a reoccurring feeling and it’s never fun.

Overall, the first week back has been blurry, uncomfortable, and incredibly sad.

I’m adjusting poorly to being back and I’m ready to shake off the bad and move on. I have so very much to get excited about, but I’m not quite there. I can feel it coming though. . . .

I was thinking today about how I am a lot like my mother and I don’t really belong in any one group. I’d always thought I knew what I liked the most and the ways I should spend my days, but now I don’t even know! It turns out I just like far too many things and no matter how many lists I make, I’m just as clueless as ever!

That said, here’s to hazy Saturdays!

Here’s to being okay with feeling trapped (*like I did in this alley in Kathmandu) To listening to the same two songs on repeat, to making and revising lists, and to wild weather. . . And most of all, here’s to liking a lot and attempting to make sense of it all.

Memory of a place I fell in love with a long time ago

* * *

For the long days

These long days make me miss the days that weren’t so long. . . And were days that looked like this.

“If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I’m neurotic as hell. I’ll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.” – Sylvia Plath

Breathing//Surviving//Snacking\\Breathing\\Surviving\\Snacking . . .

Excited for sleep.